She’s mine.

As you know from the non-post, the title of this post was chosen by you. You voted, and I must admit I was surprised with the results- for some reason I’d thought ‘She’s mine’ would get the fewest votes.

Here’s the breakdown:

‘Edit when sober’: 2 votes*
‘Your grandma’s sex life’: 3 votes
‘She’s mine’: 11 votes*
‘Indecent proposal’: 4 votes

*Including these cool versions proposed by Lebanon Aggregator’s Liliane : ‘He’s mine’ and ‘Edit when sober: Adventures in blogging’ (which is exactly what I’d been thinking when I thought of ‘edit when sober’) 

Many of the votes came with interesting or funny or cool thoughts, worth sharing:

As creepy as this might seem…. but I’m honestly interested to know what you have to say about a grandma’s sex life.

“She’s mine”… I really want to know how can someone belong to someone else..In terms of Love/time/soul/ etc….

She’s totally mine!!

“Indecent proposal” as i’m sure you’ll have something way better than what the movie with the same title has offered…

I vote for “She’s mine” too. Possessive types come to mind…

Grandma’s sex life. Do it! (ehem ehem)

She’s mine! The never ending story…

12 of the votes were cast as replies directly on the blog, 5 on the Facebook page,  and 3 on twitter.

Readers also came up with amazing titles other than the ones proposed;

  1. Crossroads
  2. Two sides of the story
  3. Change of plan
  4. One shot at a time

I’ve decided that I’ll try to eventually write posts for all four originally proposed titles, as well as the four proposed by you. But let’s start with ‘She’s mine’.

First… in response to some comments… I know I’m always writing from a girl’s point of view and that what I write about men applies just as well to women etc. But I am a girl, and that’s the viewpoint I have access to, so let’s get over that. That said, I love getting guys’ perspectives, so please continue to give them to me through your comments, and write guests posts for me :-)

So ‘She’s mine’. Maybe the fact that this was the title voted for is a reflection of the fact that we instinctively see men as being in possession of women and not the other way around? Why?

What originally planted the title in my head was noticing that men are more likely to be crazy about you when they know they have competition. The goal of ‘having’ her, and winning over other males, becomes a huge motivation. I know I’m talking in very cliché terms and that it’s this type of logic that makes women (and men) end up playing games and basing their dating and relationship approaches on books like Why Men Marry Bitches. Personally I don’t believe that playing too many games is necessary. I read said book but could never bring myself to resist telling someone I like them or resist texting them when I feel like it. And wonderful men will love you to love them, will love you to say it, show it, will love you to be the one to call after that first date.

On the other hand, someone sent me this quote today that I must admit rings a bit true; “Men like to hunt so don’t be a dead deer.” For me it’s not about playing hard to get, but about being a full person, with your own stuff going on. Then people (men, women, friends, romances) will want to be with you. So maybe not being a dead deer simply means don’t be a desperate boring negative person, but a vibrant happy alive person. That’s why I believe you are more likely to find a real love when you’ve worked through (some of) your sh**, know yourself, and are comfortable with yourself.

But I do believe that jealousy is a motivating factor. Maybe that’s why sometimes men’s motivation to please and keep their woman happy fizzles after marriage. Once they feel ‘she’s mine’, she’s not going anywhere, they relax. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to relax and feel secure in a committed relationship. But personally I dread the thought of one day being taken for granted. When you’re dating someone, especially at the beginning, they might feel that they can loose you at any moment to someone else who has their eye on you, and this makes them go out of their way to make you happy… (not that I think you can wait for another person to make you happy, you have the biggest role to play in your own happiness).

Another aspect is much less malicious. When a guy knows you’re desired by others, it simply makes him feel lucky, which makes him thrilled to be with you.

The simple words ‘She’s mine’ solicited many responses. People thought a lot about possessiveness. Can we own someone? (Actually in a philosophical sense, can you ever own anything, even land or property, since you yourself are temporary?). Can we own another person’s body? Their soul? Would we even want to?

Is it about control? Do we want to make things and people ‘ours’ in order to control them? Once we try to control someone, have we not already made them cease to be who they were and who we originally wanted?

What is the opposite then, of ‘having someone’ and making them ‘yours’? Is it sharing? Do we want to share the people we love? We don’t mind sharing friends, but usually we refuse to share lovers (a future post can tackle the issue of whether monogamy is natural for human beings or if its failure rates reflect that it is a forced convention). Another complication is the fact that the word to ‘share’ implies that the thing/person is already yours to share, that it is you who are ‘allowing’ the sharing to take place. The truth is, as a lovely person recently told me, you’re just sharing that which is being shared by and with everyone and by and with all of life, and belongs to no one.

Hmmmm is this the reason that women are often at their best when they are single? This applies to me and many of my friends. When I’m single, I’m bustling with energy, super active, involved in dozens of activities (ok I do that even when in a relationship- but let’s say even more so when single), I’m more sociable, more daring, more creative, I organize all sorts of events, and am generally all round more fun. Do you feel the same? Is it because we slide into a comfort zone when in a relationship and stop wanting to better ourselves?

Maybe when you find someone with whom you continue to be your best and even better, someone who motivates you to continue to be 100% you, to pursue your passions (not just in his/her rhetoric, but actually helps you, supports you etc.), someone with whom you’re your best self, then you’ve found the right person?

And when you do, it can be amazing to hear them say ‘I’m yours’ and to feel like you’re ‘his’.

Deal Breakers.

There are certain things that put me off immediately in a guy, and that guarantee that I will certainly not get involved with him. My deal breakers. It is a fluid list, and sometimes I’m not consciously aware of a certain deal breaker that I have. The main ones that come to mind as I write this are: Racism, homophobia, and violence (including or especially towards animals).

I had a discussion with some people at a brunch recently, and we posed the question about whether open-mindedness should include being open-minded towards closed-minded people. I mean, should we accept people’s views no matter how offensive we might find them? I don’t know, but I know I can’t. I get mad and sometimes so frustrated that I turn red (not the good type of blushing) and stop knowing how to express myself. Anyway, during that conversation, my friend’s husband B (mentioned in the insomnia post) made a good point. He said that the idea is to try to make an effort to at least listen and try to understand the other’s point of view and the reasons behind it. I told him about this quote we learned in high school: “Je ne suis pas d’accord avec ce que vous dites, mais je me batterait toute ma vie pour que vous ayez le droit de l’exprimer”*, or something along those lines, by Voltaire I think, which I always found noble. And difficult.

I mean obviously these deal breakers I’m talking about don’t just apply to romantic relationships. I frequently have very animated fights in my Spanish class, using a mix of very loud Arabic and Spanish, with one of my classmates. Yes, I have a bit of a temper in some situations. I’m happy and positive but can get mad fast and sometimes stupidly. Just today I went to a gadget shop looking for a ‘Get well soon’ card, and they said they had packed away all cards not Christmas-related during the month of December. I snapped. “Are you serious? You think no one gets sick or has a birthday during the holidays??” And stormed out. But I’m not really mean; I don’t swear, and I usually forget all about it a few minutes later. And in some situations, I’m extremely patient.. And I’m trying to work on my temper- it’s hard to be in love with humanity if you’re yelling at them all the time.

Anyway back to this classmate of mine. He throws slightly racist remarks around, and once said he supports men’s right to ‘physically discipline’ their wives. Everyone in class is always trying to calm me down, trying to get me not to leave when they see I’m already packing my stuff and muttering. The funny thing is, I think he’s actually faking it. He’s a nice guy, and last week one of my classmates told me that when I’d been absent they’d had a discussion about gay marriage and he’d been the most open-minded one in class, and that the teacher had said to him: “You know J, I’m sure you would have expressed the opposite view if … (me) had been here”. Yep, he apparently knows exactly how to push my buttons, enjoys doing it, and is amused by how easy it is to get me worked up. Well, I guess it makes class entertaining. And maybe my temper is actually just passion; My dad always used to say: “I’m not raising my voice, I’m just passionate!”.

Last week I wrote about great dates. I’ll tell you the story of a horrible date my friend D had a month back, which will illustrate the deal breaker thing. This is a seriously horrible date and a seriously offensive guy.  I’m hesitant to even type it up, weirded out by reproducing this person’s words, and hesitant to throw this out into the universe… feels like putting oil on the flame, especially since I believe that one must not ‘fight’ against the bad stuff, but pursue the good stuff, like violence breeds violence, so you should pursue peace, not ‘fight’ violence. Don’t know if that makes any sense, and yeah, I guess I’m a hippie in that way. And proud!

But here goes. Tribute to D who had to sit through this guy’s tirade.

So. D gets introduced to this guy at a party and he asks her out for a movie. They meet and sit for a coffee before the movie and start ‘getting to know each other’, and here is the charming story he decides to open with.

“I was travelling through Africa last year, and this one night we were sleeping in a hostel-type place on the floor in sleeping bags, and I get woken up by something nice”. D looks at him, not really getting it, waiting for the explanation, and he says (and this is a direct quote), with that smug upward nod guys do, that’s kind of like a wink, when they’re proud and showing off: “seems like you didn’t get. It was a BLOWJOB” Is that really a word you wanna use or what you think a girl wants to talk about in the first five minutes of a first date? As if that wasn’t enough, he continues “I looked down, and saw a black face”… and… now comes the worst part… “I kicked her away and broke her jaw”. Even if he made it up, it’s nearly just as bad.

This person managed, on a first date, in nearly a single sentence, to convey that he is vulgar, racist, and violent. And rude. And insensitive. Needless to say, she didn’t continue the date but rather made an excuse to leave. I could barely believe the story was true. DEFINITELY a deal breaker. One with very bright blinking red lights. More like a run-for-your-life-er.

To end on a more positive note, I also have lighter deal-breakers, which aren’t really deal-breakers because they can be worked on. These include smoking, wearing too-short trousers, and wearing sports socks with suits. I think that in contrast with the above horror, I can definitely give a nice guy who has these little bad habits or bad taste, a chance.

*  I don’t agree with what you say, but I would fight my whole life for you to have the right to say it.