She’s mine.

As you know from the non-post, the title of this post was chosen by you. You voted, and I must admit I was surprised with the results- for some reason I’d thought ‘She’s mine’ would get the fewest votes.

Here’s the breakdown:

‘Edit when sober’: 2 votes*
‘Your grandma’s sex life’: 3 votes
‘She’s mine’: 11 votes*
‘Indecent proposal’: 4 votes

*Including these cool versions proposed by Lebanon Aggregator’s Liliane : ‘He’s mine’ and ‘Edit when sober: Adventures in blogging’ (which is exactly what I’d been thinking when I thought of ‘edit when sober’) 

Many of the votes came with interesting or funny or cool thoughts, worth sharing:

As creepy as this might seem…. but I’m honestly interested to know what you have to say about a grandma’s sex life.

“She’s mine”… I really want to know how can someone belong to someone else..In terms of Love/time/soul/ etc….

She’s totally mine!!

“Indecent proposal” as i’m sure you’ll have something way better than what the movie with the same title has offered…

I vote for “She’s mine” too. Possessive types come to mind…

Grandma’s sex life. Do it! (ehem ehem)

She’s mine! The never ending story…

12 of the votes were cast as replies directly on the blog, 5 on the Facebook page,  and 3 on twitter.

Readers also came up with amazing titles other than the ones proposed;

  1. Crossroads
  2. Two sides of the story
  3. Change of plan
  4. One shot at a time

I’ve decided that I’ll try to eventually write posts for all four originally proposed titles, as well as the four proposed by you. But let’s start with ‘She’s mine’.

First… in response to some comments… I know I’m always writing from a girl’s point of view and that what I write about men applies just as well to women etc. But I am a girl, and that’s the viewpoint I have access to, so let’s get over that. That said, I love getting guys’ perspectives, so please continue to give them to me through your comments, and write guests posts for me :-)

So ‘She’s mine’. Maybe the fact that this was the title voted for is a reflection of the fact that we instinctively see men as being in possession of women and not the other way around? Why?

What originally planted the title in my head was noticing that men are more likely to be crazy about you when they know they have competition. The goal of ‘having’ her, and winning over other males, becomes a huge motivation. I know I’m talking in very cliché terms and that it’s this type of logic that makes women (and men) end up playing games and basing their dating and relationship approaches on books like Why Men Marry Bitches. Personally I don’t believe that playing too many games is necessary. I read said book but could never bring myself to resist telling someone I like them or resist texting them when I feel like it. And wonderful men will love you to love them, will love you to say it, show it, will love you to be the one to call after that first date.

On the other hand, someone sent me this quote today that I must admit rings a bit true; “Men like to hunt so don’t be a dead deer.” For me it’s not about playing hard to get, but about being a full person, with your own stuff going on. Then people (men, women, friends, romances) will want to be with you. So maybe not being a dead deer simply means don’t be a desperate boring negative person, but a vibrant happy alive person. That’s why I believe you are more likely to find a real love when you’ve worked through (some of) your sh**, know yourself, and are comfortable with yourself.

But I do believe that jealousy is a motivating factor. Maybe that’s why sometimes men’s motivation to please and keep their woman happy fizzles after marriage. Once they feel ‘she’s mine’, she’s not going anywhere, they relax. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to relax and feel secure in a committed relationship. But personally I dread the thought of one day being taken for granted. When you’re dating someone, especially at the beginning, they might feel that they can loose you at any moment to someone else who has their eye on you, and this makes them go out of their way to make you happy… (not that I think you can wait for another person to make you happy, you have the biggest role to play in your own happiness).

Another aspect is much less malicious. When a guy knows you’re desired by others, it simply makes him feel lucky, which makes him thrilled to be with you.

The simple words ‘She’s mine’ solicited many responses. People thought a lot about possessiveness. Can we own someone? (Actually in a philosophical sense, can you ever own anything, even land or property, since you yourself are temporary?). Can we own another person’s body? Their soul? Would we even want to?

Is it about control? Do we want to make things and people ‘ours’ in order to control them? Once we try to control someone, have we not already made them cease to be who they were and who we originally wanted?

What is the opposite then, of ‘having someone’ and making them ‘yours’? Is it sharing? Do we want to share the people we love? We don’t mind sharing friends, but usually we refuse to share lovers (a future post can tackle the issue of whether monogamy is natural for human beings or if its failure rates reflect that it is a forced convention). Another complication is the fact that the word to ‘share’ implies that the thing/person is already yours to share, that it is you who are ‘allowing’ the sharing to take place. The truth is, as a lovely person recently told me, you’re just sharing that which is being shared by and with everyone and by and with all of life, and belongs to no one.

Hmmmm is this the reason that women are often at their best when they are single? This applies to me and many of my friends. When I’m single, I’m bustling with energy, super active, involved in dozens of activities (ok I do that even when in a relationship- but let’s say even more so when single), I’m more sociable, more daring, more creative, I organize all sorts of events, and am generally all round more fun. Do you feel the same? Is it because we slide into a comfort zone when in a relationship and stop wanting to better ourselves?

Maybe when you find someone with whom you continue to be your best and even better, someone who motivates you to continue to be 100% you, to pursue your passions (not just in his/her rhetoric, but actually helps you, supports you etc.), someone with whom you’re your best self, then you’ve found the right person?

And when you do, it can be amazing to hear them say ‘I’m yours’ and to feel like you’re ‘his’.


22 thoughts on “She’s mine.

  1. May I add someone who is not scared of your success or ur personality or you being smart? :) anw, sometimes even girls take pleasure in saying he’s mine or in just being “his”… As long as no1 tries to control the other and as long as “space” between two lovers is respected! Great post dear as usual!

    • I completely agree. Nothing better than someone who WANTS you to shine. And yes, I should’ve mentioned in the post that it is sometimes wonderful to feel you belong to someone…

  2. This is the first time I disagree with you,
    I simply hate compition. If i met someone I liked and I felt that I have to take a number and be one of many waiting to prove myself…. then Id rather simply turn my back and walk away.

    We are hunters…true. But we hate being rated and compared at the same time. If you have others interested in you, good for you…. go with them. You know me and what I have to offer you, once you are done with you studies and no one else proved worthy of your highness, give me a call. Dont expect me to run after you. I dont mind a brisk walk after a short run… bass dont expect it to last long. Its very important that I feel desired and sought after as much as you do.
    The He is Mine factor is also important

    • That’s great! Of course there are men who don’t like competition. And also, I’m not in favor of playing games (I can’t and don’t) or making anyone run after me, was just wondering about what motivates some men.

  3. I like the last part of the post, where you said that its when you’ve found someone with whom you can be your best self with that you may have found the right person. I think the foundation starts with friendship if anything else. I heard a quote once that said love is like friendship on fire. Its that special connection you would have with a friend that understands you and accepts you as you are but just bursting with passion as a bonus. A relationship works when both sides are confident enough in their own skin, only then can they understand what it means to accept another person for what he/she is, since they have already make that peace with themselves. And so all expectations to change the other person, vanish.

  4. I hate playing games as well. It is just not me! I believe that if two are right for each other, no need for games and they will like the other for who they are!

    (but maybe that’s why I am single :P)

  5. Something happened as recently as yesterday and this post justifies it – in some ways. My recently married sister of 8 months and her husband decided to stay home on a Friday night, as they’ve been doing more often ever since they got married. The option to go out was there, but they didn’t. My cousin, who’s also recently married of 10 months now, also chose the option not to go out with her husband when asked. My other cousin, also recently married of 9 months and pregnant of 5 months, said she’d rather be home with her husband. Why do they refuse to go out? Because they’re now settled. They take the other person for granted – as you said. They’ve become accustomed to one another and are just going through the motions of what life is “supposed to be like”. No more initiatives. No more adventures. No more passion. They don’t “belong” to one another, as nobody ever belongs to anyone or anything. But they’ve chosen one another and with that comes – as you mentioned – taking each other for granted.

    I once told my mother that I wouldn’t mind having a kid, but not being married. For her it is unthinkable. For me, it’s logical. I could have a child with my girlfriend and it wouldn’t bother me. Because as with the cases mentioned above, the marriage takes out the fire in the relationship. You just know that “that’s it”. No more need to make an effort or anything. You’re with the person you want, now you have to build the life you want with him/her – sadly that involves letting go of being social or anything that is profoundly good for the body, mind and soul. Because when that happens, you stop thinking as “me” and start thinking as “we”. This isn’t always the case, but I’m pretty sure – as most of our parents will testify, it’s very often what makes/breaks a marriage.

  6. I’ve been waiting for your next post for a while now! I totally agree with the things that you said. My perspective is that, when you’re in a happy relationship with someone you love, you just can’t continue to lead the exact the same life you had when you were single. Simply because something has changed in your life: there’s this someone who entered the equation, and you might decide to skip an event just to spend more time with him, however or wherever you decide.

    So I believe it’s all about reshuffling your priorities, rescheduling your time in a way to take into account this person who you want to spend time with.

    • I agree. And after all, there is nothing nicer than spending a friday night (or whole weekend) at home with the person you love. So for me it’s not about going out, more about a certain energy outgoing-ness bubbly-ness and creativity that sometimes (not always) gets dampened when in a relationship… And thanks for waiting Maya- what an honor!

  7. I couldn’t agree more with your post.
    As a guy, I feel compelled to say that I have been down the possessiveness road, and got a slap to the face the day she was gone. Nobody owns anything in this world.
    See I’m a person that learns by trial and error. So I messed probably the most meaningful relationship of my 24 years of existence, but I’ve drawn some great conclusions that go hand in hand with your post.
    Yes you should be happy with your man, he should push you towards more fun, motivate you to work harder, have a plan and act spontaneous. – Yeah those are all great and apply to the woman as well, but think about this.
    We’re not a 24/24h circus in town. Any human being is boring and dull at some point, because that’s how we just are. The question is, is that state of dullness and boredom enough for you to stick around?

  8. Pingback: On real paper! | Yup, this is it.

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